Hide and Seek

The places I really wish I'd used to hide from Newton

• The froglets water park
• Tarquin Toad's Bogology club
• Lily's locker
• The road

The one place I really wish I HADN'T tried to hide from Newton

• Gramps mud pool!

And Why?

1. Newton wouldn't have wriggled straight round to demand why I'd been skipping practice.
2. He wouldn't have accused me of causing Lily to suddenly quit the team.
3. I wouldn't have blurted out that it had nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with Chatternack.
4. Gramps wouldn't have heard the whole sorry story about how our illustrious head teacher was blackmailing me to play for the school team instead of Amphibians United in the up coming match.
5. Gramps wouldn't have hopped straight over to Chatternacks' private pad and confronted him.
6. Chatternack wouldn't have threatened not only to expel me if I didn't play for school but also to expel me if the team lost!
7. Gramps wouldn't have called him a hypercritical toady @*$?*£! and they wouldn't have openly brawled in the pond.
8. The police would not have had to be called to separate them and Officer Fergal Frog would not have received a black eye courtesy of Gramps.
9. Chaternack would not have gloated that as Amphibians United no longer had any frogs on the team that there would in actual fact be no match anyway as they could no longer claim to be a true inter species team.
10. And Gramps would not have announced that he himself would be playing as sub for AU as Fergal led him back to the station.

So there we have it,  not only have to play for WBS to avoid expulsion but also win the match, and my grandfather is going to humiliate himself by making a return to competitive sports. All because I couldn't have been a little more inventive with my hiding place,

What is a Frog to do?

If you've been wondering why I haven't blogging for a while, don't worry I haven't croaked or anything I've just been training really hard for the upcoming unfriendly frogpool match, West Bogside V Amphibians United. It's now less than a fortnight away and the practices have really been hopping up a gear. When you're in both teams that's a tight schedule I can tell you.

Despite that things have been going really well. The defection of West Bogside's best bull (and love of my life) Lily to our illegal inter-species team has really given us a boost and now she has finally bonded with the other bulls on the team I think they will form an impenetrable force. And that's not all, as out head teacher, the hypocritical Sir Chatternack, won't let Lily off the hook when it comes to school practices either, it means that my skin has become an impenetrable force to the personal attacks from Pixie (my never quite ex), captain of the school team, or so I thought.

With the match drawing so close the final preparations are being made and I got quite a shock when Pixie announced the final line up for it. Both me and Lily are in it!

"WHAT!?" croaked Lily and me in unison.

"Problem?" asked Pixie dryly.

"You know damn right there is!" said Lily.

"I'm sorry I'm not sure I do, perhaps if you share it with me can I do do something about it."

I puffed up my throat as large as I could, "Pixie you know for well me and Lily are in the Amphibian United squad, we can't play for West Bogside in this match, you've always known that."

"Are you members of West Bogside frogpool team or not?" she asked.

"Well yes, but only because Chatternack will expel us if we quit."

"So then if you're in my team I can play you in whatever match I want."

How could I have been so blind? How did I not see this coming? Why am I as thick as pond sludge?But I put that to one side and carried on in desperation as if I actually believed that Pixie may be brought to see sense in this lifetime.

"But you've got loads of players to pick from, look you haven't even put Mungo in the team, he'll be gutted."

"As captain I have the responsibility to field my best players, and you Meat (as in dead) are idiotic, idealistic, easily led and the company you hop with (she glanced at Lily) is quite frankly revolting but you are my best sub and I will play you!"

At this I deflated as flat as road kill but Lily wasn't defeated yet, the filthy look that Pixie had just thrown her way had just spurred her on.

"Well I think your strategy is all wrong," she said whilst laying a cold unmoving gaze on Pixie, "you'll be fielding two players with highly compromised loyalties, we won't play our best for you, we'll let the other team win, we will not be your best players."

If Lily's look was cold Pixie's was at absolute zero, "Oh don't think I haven't thought about that Miss Wide and Mighty, because I have. Sir Chatternack will be there and if he thinks for even a gnat's wing beat you are not putting 110% in you'll be out of school faster than I eat my lunch and I don't think either of you want expulsion on your records do you?"

Pixie's had me for lunch!

And she's right Mum and Dad would never recover from the shame and how will I ever escape from the bog without even a Bog Standard Certificate of Education. Pixie has got us tight by the webs and isn't letting go.

So what choices do we have? Play for Amphibians United and get kicked out of school, play badly for West Bogside and get kicked out of school, or save our school career by crushing AU along with the hopes, dreams and friendship of the best newt we ever knew

I can't bring myself to tell Newton yet, it will destroy him, and I'm not sure an inter-species frogpool team will have the same impact if there are no frogs in it. I am just hopping for another miracle between now and then.

What is a frog to do?

On the Hop

Newton's been a bit concerned about team bonding ever since Lily arrived. Obviously he welcomed her with open webs because of the advantage she gives us.I welcomed her with an open mouth and chin on the floor because I couldn't believe my luck. The other phibs however, are not so sure. They have a natural mistrust of frogs in general and one that is the biggest bull in the school and who came from the inner sanctum of the evil Pixilator. Ivana in particular has been throwing daggers Lily's way, and I don't mean looks, I mean sharpened bull reeds! Lily's very understanding and luckily  very thick skinned (literally and figuratively).

Anyway, Newton decided to try and get the team to gel better by taking us all out for the night. It didn't quite go to plan as you will see in the Newspaper report below.

West Bogside Croakicle

Cops On the Hop

The police force was called to 'The Hop' last Saturday night to quell a serious disturbance. The distrurbacne apparently began when a gang of unlawful phibs entered the premises and started a fight with other local youths.



Brawling not Hopping

 'The Hop' is a popular Saturday dance club popular with many of Westside Bog's young phibians and this Saturday seemed like any other. That was until the gang entered the premises. The gang members, who are alleged to be an illegal mixed species frogpool team, seemed set on intimidation and soon singled out the members of West Bogside Academy's frogpool team. One witness, a Miss Elfin Frog, said that the gang set about their weakest member, one Mungo Frog. He was saved thanks to the bravery of the team captain, Pixie Frog, who apparently fended off five of the gang single handedly and helped Mungo to safety.

However, the gang leader, Newton Newt seemingly incensed by her interventions speared his crew on and a full scale bar brawl ensued. The police were called and were soon on the scene, where it took a full dozen officers in riot gear to calm the situation and arrest the offending gang members.

Mr. Tattle Toad, proprietor, said, "It was heartbreaking, to see all my years of hard work destroyed by those hoodlums, I hope they throw away the key!"

You can always rely on the West Bogside Croakicle to give a fair and unbiased version of events. It's rumoured that Carbuncle Toad, the editor, is actually cousin to Sir Chatternack. Of course as he is a frog he fiercely denies these.

Anyway, obviously that's not quite how it went. We only went for a good night out, no brawling intended. We had no idea that the WBS team would even be there and didn't go near them when we realised they were.

It was Pixie who attacked us, flattening poor Mungo as she tried to attack. And she didn't fend of 5 of us, she couldn't even fend off one right hook from Lily which knocked her cold for 2 minutes and gave her a fantastic black eye. But as I guess the Croak's star witness was Elfin, Pixie's sister, it's no wonder they go that part wrong.

As for the arrests, the only police who came was old Officer Fergal Frog who's Gramps best mate, and he just frog marched us back to our pads (where we were pleased to go) and left us with a water flea in our ear. And the only damage I noticed was when Lily knocked a picture from the wall as she followed through her punch.

But please don't be alarmed by all these events because it all turned out well. The rest of the team have all been bullied bullied by Pixie at one time or another, so now they think that Lily is Frogtastic!

Frogpool Rules!

I've had a revelation.

I LOVE FROGPOOL!

I've spent a lifetime believing it to be more loathsome  and less useful than pond slime but now I suddenly get it, I suddenly see if for the beautiful game it is.

And why this sudden change of feeling? Well it all came about when Lily defected from WBS school team to join the renegade Phibian United team. The biggest most beautiful bull in the bog is suddenly on MY side.Last week I didn't have an ounce of strength left for one more practise, but now I can't get enough of them.

I LOVE going to practise.

I LOVE that I can't beat Lily in a race across the pool.

I LOVE every tackle when she pins me to a pad or sends me to the bottom of the pool.

I LOVE that she always checks I'm OK after.

I LOVE that she croaks the loudest when  I perform my trade mark triple twist hop.

I LOVE that Newton has the widest grin I've ever seen 'cos he just knows we're going to beat Chatternack's team now.

I LOVE that she believes in me (and Phibians United, but mostly me).

And it's not just the Phibian practises that I'm loving. West Bogside practises great too! Sir. Chatternack soon got wind of Lily quitting and like me put a stop to it, there was no way he was losing talent like hers. Pixie was hopping mad but there's nothing she can do about it with Chatternack on the case.

 I LOVE that I am no longer the scape croak of the team, but have Lily's support.

I LOVE seeing Pixie inwardly seething.

I LOVE her desperate attempts to rattle me (and Lily).

I LOVE the fact that none of them work

I LOVE the fact that Lily has more talent in her left webs than Pixie  can muster in her entire bulk.

I LOVE that Pixie knows this too.

So now I can't wait to wipe the smile of Chatternack's smug warty face when he sees Lily and me (and the rest of our team) pulverise WBS into pond scum! I'm a frog in serious training!

Miracles do Happen

So there I was going through yet another gruelling Amphibians United practise when we we suddenly found a beautiful angelic presence in our midst.   And who was this divine visitor you ask. Non other than the love of my life, Lily!

Lily Frog- My great big angle!

OK, the rest of the team didn't quite see it that way, in fact  tackled her and pinned her to a pad suspecting her to be there for reasons of sabotage. And she stayed pinned there until Newton gave the order release her, and only after the rest of the team had set up a perimeter around her to prevent her escape.

The funny thing was, when she was let her go she sat serenely in the middle while her immense guard seemed to have the jitters as if she hadn't got anything to worry about at all.

"What has Pixie sent you to do?" asked Newton.

"She didn't send me." replied Lilly, "I'm defecting."

"WHAT!?!?" said everyone.

"Yes, I think showing that all phibs are equal is inspirational and I want to join."

My true love has come over to my side, well away from the evil nasty webs of Pixie. Or at least that's what I thought. The rest of the team were not as convinced.

"You don't believe this pond rot!" said Petula, "she's clearly a spy from the other team."

"Good point," said Newton, "if you were really sympathetic to out cause you would have joined sooner."

"I wanted to but it's not that easy, going against Pixie is committing social suicide and I'm new here, I wasn't sure I was brave enough for that."

 

"And what about the school team?"

"Quit it, to be honest Pixie was glad to see the back of me, I'm a much better bull than she is and she doesn't really like competition."

It was obvious that this little revelation started to soften Newton, winning the match means everything to him and he wasn't going to pass up an advantage like that!

"Oh come on," Ivana said, "you're not going to listen to this FROG are you? We formed this team to show frogs like her a thing or two."

"No we didn't, "snapped Newton, "we formed this team to show that it really doesn't matter what species you are we're all good enough to play together. Having another frog on the team will even things up a bit, make the point clearer."

"Well you needn't think she's having my place on the team!" she snapped, "I've worked really hard for that."

"Oh no," said Lily genuinely apologetically, "I don't want top push anyone of the team."

"And you won't," said Newton, "we'll substitute through the match, make sure everyone gets a fair turn. Does everyone agree?"

There were general agreements from the team, some rather begrudgingly. Newton turned to me and winked. "Well I know you don't need any convincing at least," he said. And I didn't.

Playing it cool!

Gramps delivers TLC (Tough Love Coldly)

What do you think you're doing crawling into my mud pool? You needn't think you're going to haul up here for the weekend and mope about! I heard what's been going on, you get back out there to practise.

But...

Now don't give me that sob story, exhausted my anus! You young phibs don't know you're spawn getting all stroppy for the sake of a few extra practises. Why in my time we used to have to practise all night every night for a month when there was a big match approaching.

But...

Of course I used to play frogpool . I was the best sub in three generations, you don't think you're the first sub in our family do you? You had to get your genes from somewhere. Just a shame it wasn't me. That Sir Chatternack has never forgiven me since he couldn't get a web on me in the cup final. Completely humiliated him I did and now he just loves to hop onto every opportunity to remind me how utterly average you are.

But...

Yes of course I hate frogpool! I hate it with  down to every last web. But I've earned the right to hate it. You don't really know what it is to hate the game until you've played it at habitat level. The best you can hope to manage at the moment is mild dislike.

But...

And how do you ever think you are going to get a girlfriend pansying about and moaning about torn webs? Your gran was the biggest bull in the bog, she broke my limbs three times before she finally agreed to go courting with me. You'll never earn the respect of a good woman if you don't let her beat you to a pulp once in a while!

But...

So you can stop you're whinging and lolly gagging hop off my pad and report yourself back to Newton for more practise. He's a fine young newt that Newton.It's about time someone took a stand about the ingrained speciesist attitude in sport. You should be proud to be part of such an endeavour as his. And you make sure that team of his wins, I can't wait to slap that smug smile of old Chatternack's smug warty face. If you don't win, you're no grandphib of mine!

...

A Punishing Schedule!

It would appear being a member of two opposing frogpool teams is very hard work.

Monday

Morning hop with Amphibians United. Couldn't get anywhere near Begonia, she is the quickest toad I've ever seen.

 Morning lessons.

 Circuit training with West Bogside (catch lunch while you sweat).

Afternoon lessons. (seem to be getting a lot of extra homework today).

 After school practise with West Bogside. Speed swimming, trying to keep out of Pixie's way.

Quick tea back at pad.

Evening practise with Amphibians United. Team building exercises planned by Aristotle, personally I didn't enjoy high fiving with tongues.


Late into night homework session.

Tuesday

Early Morning Hop AU. Today beaten by Begonia and Delphinium.

Morning Assembly (A ribberting presentation on the injuries sustained by phibs who have partaken in illegal frogpool games).

Morning lessons (Bogology- Mr. Barking accused my homework of being rushed and slovenly and so has given me detention).

Lunchtime personal training session with Sir Chatternack (No lunch caught).

Afternoon lesson (another detention, my teachers keep giving me odd sideways looks today).


After school practice with WBS. The nearest thing to high fiving here was having my head slammed into the floor.
.
Detention- cleaning pond sludge off the bottom of  the frogpool.

Tea

Team tactic meeting at Newton's pad led by Edison, his tactics are simply to win 20-0.

Homework

Wednesday

Circuit training with AU. Begonia, Delphinium, Arial and Mugwort.

Morning lessons (detention from PSHE this time).

Lunch time detention with Sir Chatternack (trophy polishing duty).

Afternoon lessons (No detention but missiles kept ricocheting off my head. They originated from Pixie and the other bulls).

Frogpool Practise with WBS (mid air tackles were practiced, my tackle will never be the same again!)

Detention- Cleaning Sir Chatternack's desk with a web cloth.

Tea on the hop.

Frogpool practise with AU. More tackling, but the profuse apologies from my team mates were a welcome change.


Homework

Thursday

AU morning hop, Beaten by those mentioned yesterday plus Pavlova and Ivana.

Morning lessons (detention again).

Lunchtime detention and circuit training WBS. Too tired to hear the insults.

Afternoon lessons (sit as far away from Pixie, Lily and the other bulls as possible).

Frogpool Practice  WBS- under water manoeuvres, breathing isn't important is it?

 

Detention-  Cleaning WBS kit by webs.

Grabbed some fast food (dragon fly).

Frogpool practice AU. Traversng the pool via pads. Team mates were very encouraging even though I came last every time.

Homework (actually passed out over bogology project).

Friday

VERY early homework session.

early morning hop AU. Beaten by EVERYONE.

Morning lessons (can't remember if detentions was involved or not, but do remember Pixie tripping me up as I tried to get to my desk. That wouldn't have been so bad but the Mr. Barking my form tutor did the same thing a moment after!)

Lunchtime dentition/ personal training with Sir Chatternack.

Afternoon lessons. Detention for sleeping in class.

Fropgpool practise WBS. Too much pain to recall.

Tea

Froglet sitting so AU practise moved to my pad, more tactical planning, Edison now plans that our victory over WBS will be 57-0.

Saturday

Mum put her webs down and banned any more frogpool practise today. She's worried I'm getting behind with my school work so had spent the day on watercourse work.

Tomorrow I have a full schedule of practises, homework and froglet sitting but I plan to be up early and hop off to see gramps.


When have I done enough?