Practice Makes Pain!

So webs all healed I couldn't put off returning to frogpool practice any longer, I'd been forgetting to limp around Sir Chatternack for at least a week.

I dreading the return, I mean going back to the team means spending time with my almost ex girlfriend (Pixie) and the new love of my life (Lily) who both hate me. This was never going to be an easy reunion so I could not have been more surprised by the reception I got.

As I hopped onto the sidepads of the frogpool pool I was met with balloons, party poppers and cheers! For a gnats heartbeat I actually thought I was being given a genuine welcome back party, and why not after all I had sustained my injuries whilst playing for the team? But then I saw the banner. It was slung right across the central pads and announced 'WELCOME BACK MEAT!'

Meat is short for Dead Meat and is the name that Pixie has called me ever since I accidentally stood her up at the hop. And if I could have been in any doubt that the use of the name on the banner was some kind of threat, the word meat had actually been smeared on using some sort of roadkill!!!!  The paler I turned the louder the cheering and croaking grew as the team enjoyed every morsel of my fear. I couldn't bear to look at them, especially because sat in the middle was the massive mound of froggy femininity that is the beautiful Lily.

So then it began.


Round 1

Warm Up Stretches- As I bent down to touch my toe webs something hit me hard in my backside. I went flying into the pool. I resurfaced to much hilarity from my team mates.

Round 2

Lily Pad Hops- As I was racing across the frogpool by hopping across on the lily pads one of them mysteriously disappeared underneath me just as I was landing on it. Once again I took an unplanned dive and came up to hysterical team mates.

Round 3

Underwater Swimming- I dived into the frogpool to practise my underwater frogpool crossings. Strangely as I did I crashed into a rock just below the surface that had defiantly not been there earlier. I think I resurfaced to my team members (notice I'm not using the word mates anymore) laughing, although I'm not quite sure as I was rather dazed and seeing butterflies fluttering around my head.

Round 4

Practice Tackles- OK this one I should have been prepared for, I was always going to be the bull's favourite target. I was kicked, grabbed twisted, punched, sat on, stretched, plunged and hurled all around the pool. I ended up covered in bruises and scratches, but nothing actually broken, they wouldn't want to cause serious injury that would prevent me coming back to go through it all again next week now would they!



KNOCKOUT!



And the Worst Part- as I was put through this ritual humiliation for the team, Lily the love of my life, didn't even notice. She didn't tackle me, push me, punch me laugh at me or even glance at me. It was as if I didn't exist. I can't believe she hates me that much!

The Newt is Out There!

Things are not getting any better on the friend front. Mungo has had a relapse of bog rot and as the best ph for the growth of blue algae has now been established Tarquin has returned to the folds of bogology club. I did spend an evening with Notty and the Westside Choir. Well I say evening, it was more like 45 minutes. We croaked a few tunes and my baritone was complemented but then Notty suggested we went to the road for some joy hopping. 

JOY HOPPING!!!! I thought all those rumours were just macho bluff. Anyway I made up a real lame excuse about froglet sitting and was out of there leaving my manhood behind me. Now I have to try and keep out of the choir's way as well as the bulls if I wish to remain in attached to my newly healed webs.


Where's a real friend when you need one? Mine's completely vanished of the surface of the bog! The other phibs have noticed too, and it's not just Newton other class mates are becoming as elusive. the funny thing is they're all newts or toads, no frogs.

Anyway the bog being what it is it has started to generated many marshy myths about Newton and his strange behaviour. Here are some of the most ridiculous.

1. He's fallen in love with Madam Kassina our MFL teacher (Modern Froggy Languages) and is vanishing to secret assignations with her.

Don't make me croak! Newton can't  stand her, he always said her accent was phony and that she smelt of pond scum. To be honest he's never really taken much interest in the opposite sex, he says he likes his heart just the way it is.

2. He's actually been killed in a violent joy hopping incident and the glimpses we see are in fact his ghost haunting the this school corridors.

As if! For a start he's a newt and can't hope, it would have had to be joy wriggling which is defiantly not as glamorous. Anyway Newton just isn't that stupid and would haunt far cooler places than school!

3. He's joined some strange Gothic newt cult and is attending dark ceremonies to sacrifice innocent froglets.

I can't see it, he's always liked froglets especially my little brothers and sisters. Anyway I counted them this morning and they were all still there. If this were true I'm sure we'd have lost a couple.

4. He's in the process of a species  change and is going for DNA therapy.

Ridiculous, Newton is the proudest newt I know, he doesn't buy into this superior phibian slop that's doing the rounds these days at all. He even wears a badge that says 'Cute Newt' on it.

5. He's actually Sir Chatternack's alter ego. Have you noticed that you never see them in he same room as each other?

Of course not! Newton can't stand Sir Chatternack, he always says he's a complete xenophobic hypocrite of a toad (but never when he's been listening) and stays as far away from him as possible.


Anyway, whatever the truth is, Newton's just not around anymore and I could really use my buddy right now. There's no getting over the fact that my webs are fully healed and so next week I have to start going to Frogpool practise again. I'll have to face both Pixie my ex and Lily the unrequited love of my life cycle both who really hate me. I'm going to end up dead, or worse, humiliated.

Newton I hope you're reading this. Come back soon!


The Newt is Out There!



WANTED- New Best Friend

My so called best friend Newton is remaining as allusive as a good idea in a Frogpool match. I catch fleeting phantom like glimpses at school but that is all. I've sent him gnat messages but my gnat says he can't find him. In fact I've tried so many times that my gnat has gone on strike.

It's time I faced the fact that Newton no longer wants to be my friend and as you don't last long in this bog without friends I need to find some new ones before the bulls close in. I have drawn up a list of prospective best friends.

Mungo Frog Mungo seems to spend a lot of his time on his own these days, especially since his prolonged absence due to a nasty case of bog rot. Most of the other phibs have given him a wide berth since then. Miss Hopply the school nurse ensures us that he has been discharged by the Quack and is fully recovered but we are all a bit suspicious of the black acne that seems to persist.

The good thing from my point of view is that he is desperate for a friend so would defiantly welcome me with open webs, but is it worth the risk? Also he is a fantastic Frogpool player, playing central sub for the team and I really don't want any more Frogpool in my life than has to be there.

Nostradamus Frog  My cousin and since Mum has noticed that I'm not hanging out with Newton anymore she's started making hints that I should spend time with him instead. That's typical of mothers isn't it? Just because we're related she thinks we should automatically be best friends.

The truth of it is that Nostradamus, or Notty, as he likes to be known is a bit funny and not in a good way. He's a member of the Westside Bog Choir and a real head case. He has 'Croak till you choke!' tattooed across his throat and rumour has it that it was his idea to bring back illegal joy hopping. Mum's really worried that he will go the same way as Uncle Bosch, she thinks I'll be a calming influence on him. Who's going to keep me calm though? That's want I want to know! Still, with him about the bulls would stay right away.

A Notty Problem!

Tarquin Toad I used to play with Tarquin a lot when I went to nursery pool and whenever I see his mum she always asks me round for some grubs. But it's such a long time ago now since I was a froglet and he was a toadling, we've just grown apart. He's obsessively into subjects like Bogology and PSHE which I can't stand, he even attends Bogolgy Club most lunchtimes. He hates anything to do with Frogpool and never really forgave me for joining the team, not that I ever had anything to do with that! He also finds bipeds and anything to do with them repulsive and can't understand my interest with you humans at all. He blames you for all the bogs problems, personally  I think you are just misunderstood.

When we started at Westside Bog Sports Academy he soon made new friends as Bogology Club and I started to hop with Newton. Still I think I'd prefer to spend Time with Tarq than nutty Notty and I've heard rumors that he's fallen out with the president of Bogology club over what is the best ph for the growth of blue algae so maybe he'd be glad of an old friend.

This is an impossible decision to make so I have added a poll, please take a moment to help me decide who should be my new best friend.

I Never Thought I'd Say This But...

...I wish I hadn't missed a week of school.

I couldn't believe my luck, scoring a week off school and hanging out with Gramps at the mud pool was great, but  I  it wasn't worth the grief I'm getting now. For a start my form tutor, Mr. Barking, who could never previously recall my name and always referred to me as Number 9 has now forgotten my existence completely! You can't imagine my embarrassment on Monday as he introduced me to the form as the new frog. I wanted the bog to open up and swallow me!

Also, as I think I've mentioned before, I was barley scarping by in bogology, croak music and PSHE (pond studies and habitat ecology) and so currently I am failing in all three. I've been loaded up with extra assignments by my teachers which I need to finish by next week if I have any hope of passing my Bog Standard Certificate.

Worst of all I was called into see Sir Chatternack and given a lecture concerning my commitment to school and the Frogpool team. Apparently he has grave concerns about my attendance, especially at Frogpool practise.

HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?!? I was only ever off school because of a Frogpool related injury WHICH I wouldn't have got if I hadn't have been covering Mungo Frog's central sub position while he was at home recovering from pond rot. I mean how much more dedication does he want exactly?

I made the mistake of asking him this and so have now landed myself in detention until I am well enough to return to Frogpool practise.




Reasoning with Sir Chatternack!


... I don't think Newton's my friend anymore.

It's strange but since I've gone back to school I haven't spoken a word with Newton. He's late in the morning and is straight out of the school at the end of the day. He vanishes at break and lunchtimes and doesn't sit with me in class. I haven't seen him out of school either, he's not replying to my gnat messages and doesn't even turn up when I'm froglet sitting.

In fact, now I come to think of it he never came to visit me once while I was home convalescing. I'd ask him what was going on but he just vanishes before I can get the chance. I've been trying to see if I can spot him hanging out with anyone else but he just seems to disappear like bog fog.

... I think I'm in love.

Another reason I wish I'd been at school is that a new girl started and she is HUMONGOUS, I've never seen such a big frog, she has lumps in all the right places! Her skin is glistening and moist, her webs are as delicate as a spider's web. She's called Lily and her family have just moved from the east side where she went to the technology college.

The first time I saw her Pixie trod on my tongue and told me to put it away! Needless to say Pixie already has Lily in her webs and she is hanging out with the bulls, so not only have I absolutely no hope of going out with her but she probably already despises me to my very core having heard all the tales that Pixie has to tell (they're MOSTLY not true). In fact I've already caught her giving me a funny look in the canteen, I can only assume it was disgust, it was another bog swallowing moment I can tell you!

Lovely Lily

... I want to go to Frogpool Practise.

Partly because I really don't fancy the next month of detentions while my webs fully heal, but mainly because due to her impressive size Lily has immediately been signed up to the team. She must be the biggest bull in the bog and Sir Chatternack is very excited by the advantage that will give us.

I know I've no chance with Lily, she's never going to talk to me, she probably already hates me, but at least if I could go to practice then I could spend some time around her. If I was really lucky maybe she'd tackle me! I know due to her size that it would be painful as hell, but you know what they say, 'love hurts!'

Life's a Joke and then You Croak- The Wit and Wisdom of Grandpa Frog

I think I have finally found a bright side to last week's debacle.Having been incapacitated by my nearly ex-girlfriend Pixie in the ill fated Frogpool match I have been unable to attend school. Admittedly I have been sewn together by a duck and am in some considerable pain, but I have been putting the time to some good use and hanging out with Gramps down in the mud bath. Gramps is the oldest frog in the bog and he didn't get that way without knowing a thing or two. Here are some of my favourite croaks.

• Frogpool is a waste of a good braincell.

• Good farts are for sharing.

• Find time to admire the view, but never mid hop.

• Life's a joke and then you croak.

• When catching flies never aim for biggest, you may bite off more than you can chew.

• If you choose a big woman you can expect she'll keep your webs full!

• Slugs, snails and puppy dog's tails make good eating.

 

• Never waist a croak on them that don't listen.

 

• Why play Frogpool when you could be gnawing your own leg off!

• Frogs, toads and also newts, all have webs beneath their boots.

 

• Slug trails are the pathway to a good meal.

 

• Don't be afraid to look beyond the bog, do be afraid of looking too closely at it.

 

• A good nap is never a waste of time.

 

• Frogpool is just a load of Bulls!

• That Sir Chatternack is a right toady plonker!

Don't mess with Grandpa Frog!

The 5 Top Lows of the Week

5. Lunch- The canteen is scraping to bottom of the food chain, quite literally. This week they served us dehydrated slugs. Not satisfied with serving food that is already dead they are now sucking all its life force before they serve it!

4. Frogpool Practise- The weekly torture I have to attend. Not because I am especially athletic or talented but due to a lack of frogs of the right physical build (small and lanky) to play in the sub positions.

With an impending match against Northend Comprehensive this week it was sooooooo much worse.  Sir Chatternack enforced an extra 2 hours after school practise. Then Mungo Frog was taken ill with an especially bad case of pond rot and I was moved to central sub. This put me right in the most vulnerable position for a scrum with the other team's bulls.

3. Parent Teacher Conference- Mum and Dad went to see Mr. Barking, he was not exactly encouraging about my progress. In fact he said that although my scores in biped sociology were good unless I improved in bogology, croak music and PSHE (Pond Studies and Habitat Ecology) then I am not going to achieve my Bog Standard Certificate and the end of next year.

Mum and Dad ripped into me as soon as they hopped back onto the pad. I suggested that maybe I should drop out of the Frogpool team so I could spend more time on my course work. Mum and Dad went strangely quiet and Dad muttered something about having to continue the family tradition. What family tradition? Mum only ever played far wing bull for a single term and Dad never got selected for the team at all.

2. West Bogside Sports Academy V Northend Comprehensive- The match lived down to all my worst expectations. Northend's bulls were massive and I could tell they had me in their sights before I'd even jumped into the pool.

As soon as the ref croaked I dived downwards hoping to avoid trouble near the pool floor. Three Northend bulls got there before me and I was ambushed. They pushed me to the surface and flung me through the air. As I hurtled backwards I manged to twist and land on a pad. With a massive leap I skimmed off two more pads and was heading towards Northend's goal line. One more hop and I would make a touch down!

I made contact with the final pad and let my muscles recoil propelling me towards the line. As I did a bull broke the water's surface rising  upwards to block me. But not a Northend bull, no, it was Pixie and she had vengeance in her eyes! We made a mid air collision and plunged back into the pool my moment of glory vanished into the murky depths with us. I grappled to get away from Pixie but as I did I heard an unsettling ripping sound and my webbs exploded into pain. I had to be pulled from the pool by the medic toad who administered first aid pool side before Mum and Dad collected me and took me to the local quack.

1. Visiting The Local Quack- The nearest thing we have to a doctor in the bog is a small duck. He used to live in an ornamental garden pond at a biped hospital. This is where he acquired an interest in medicine and gained what knowledge he has and from my experience is that is not a lot!

He poked and prodded me and diagnosed torn webbing (which I think I could have done myself). He then stitched it back up using pond weed. A duck's bill is not designed for stitching, and there is no pain relief in the bog. Newton said they could here me in Eastside!









The local Quack







Froglets and What to Do With Them

Have I mentioned froglet sitting at all? oh yeah once or twice, but I'm not bitter. Why would a young adolescent frog like me want to do anything but froglet sitting on a Saturday night? It's not as if there's anything better I could be doing (at least not since the Pixident).


Ok I admit it, froglet sitting is not my top choice of evening entertainment, there's so may of the little tailed croakers! I don't think there are as many as last month, but life is tough in the bog, that's why Mum and Dad won't pick  names until the tales have completely vanished. When  I was little I was fondly known as Froglet Six. I vaguely remember Froglets One to Five but am not really sure what happened to them, I suspect it as something to do with a lack of froglet sitters.

Froglets One to Five

As soon as Mum and Dad hop of for the night they start to hop riot! They won't go to sleep but jump all over the pad, Mum would go mad if she saw them leaping on her best lily and they're always getting into deep water. It's all I can do to keep the numbers up what with the pike and everything.

Luckily I don't have to do it on my own, Newton always comes over to lend a web. Newton's weird, he's an only child (a rare thing in the bog) but he prefers to froglet sit with me than go out to the hop. In fact most Saturdays he sends me a gnat message to ask if sitting is on, and when I send his gnat back with the affirmative, he's round in the flick of a tail.

The froglets love Newton! I don't know why, you'd think all that goth guy liner and silver jewellery (how he doesn't sink I don't know) would scare their tales off, but the second he slides in they all frogpool tackle him! Newton says they are brothers in tail. He then organises a frogpool game, the froglets play subs, Newton is Bull for one side and I'm Bull for the other (see frogpool the whys and wherefores). We play for an hour  I'm terrified the whole time cos a newt playing in a frogpool game, even just a friendly, is strictly against bog law. It's worth the risk though because after an hour of that the froglets are exhausted and we can heard them under the pad for a good nights sleep (them and us!)