A Punishing Schedule!

It would appear being a member of two opposing frogpool teams is very hard work.

Monday

Morning hop with Amphibians United. Couldn't get anywhere near Begonia, she is the quickest toad I've ever seen.

 Morning lessons.

 Circuit training with West Bogside (catch lunch while you sweat).

Afternoon lessons. (seem to be getting a lot of extra homework today).

 After school practise with West Bogside. Speed swimming, trying to keep out of Pixie's way.

Quick tea back at pad.

Evening practise with Amphibians United. Team building exercises planned by Aristotle, personally I didn't enjoy high fiving with tongues.


Late into night homework session.

Tuesday

Early Morning Hop AU. Today beaten by Begonia and Delphinium.

Morning Assembly (A ribberting presentation on the injuries sustained by phibs who have partaken in illegal frogpool games).

Morning lessons (Bogology- Mr. Barking accused my homework of being rushed and slovenly and so has given me detention).

Lunchtime personal training session with Sir Chatternack (No lunch caught).

Afternoon lesson (another detention, my teachers keep giving me odd sideways looks today).


After school practice with WBS. The nearest thing to high fiving here was having my head slammed into the floor.
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Detention- cleaning pond sludge off the bottom of  the frogpool.

Tea

Team tactic meeting at Newton's pad led by Edison, his tactics are simply to win 20-0.

Homework

Wednesday

Circuit training with AU. Begonia, Delphinium, Arial and Mugwort.

Morning lessons (detention from PSHE this time).

Lunch time detention with Sir Chatternack (trophy polishing duty).

Afternoon lessons (No detention but missiles kept ricocheting off my head. They originated from Pixie and the other bulls).

Frogpool Practise with WBS (mid air tackles were practiced, my tackle will never be the same again!)

Detention- Cleaning Sir Chatternack's desk with a web cloth.

Tea on the hop.

Frogpool practise with AU. More tackling, but the profuse apologies from my team mates were a welcome change.


Homework

Thursday

AU morning hop, Beaten by those mentioned yesterday plus Pavlova and Ivana.

Morning lessons (detention again).

Lunchtime detention and circuit training WBS. Too tired to hear the insults.

Afternoon lessons (sit as far away from Pixie, Lily and the other bulls as possible).

Frogpool Practice  WBS- under water manoeuvres, breathing isn't important is it?

 

Detention-  Cleaning WBS kit by webs.

Grabbed some fast food (dragon fly).

Frogpool practice AU. Traversng the pool via pads. Team mates were very encouraging even though I came last every time.

Homework (actually passed out over bogology project).

Friday

VERY early homework session.

early morning hop AU. Beaten by EVERYONE.

Morning lessons (can't remember if detentions was involved or not, but do remember Pixie tripping me up as I tried to get to my desk. That wouldn't have been so bad but the Mr. Barking my form tutor did the same thing a moment after!)

Lunchtime dentition/ personal training with Sir Chatternack.

Afternoon lessons. Detention for sleeping in class.

Fropgpool practise WBS. Too much pain to recall.

Tea

Froglet sitting so AU practise moved to my pad, more tactical planning, Edison now plans that our victory over WBS will be 57-0.

Saturday

Mum put her webs down and banned any more frogpool practise today. She's worried I'm getting behind with my school work so had spent the day on watercourse work.

Tomorrow I have a full schedule of practises, homework and froglet sitting but I plan to be up early and hop off to see gramps.


When have I done enough?



A Dramatic Turn of Events

I feel the need to distance myself from recent painful events so I have decided to dramatise them so you can see for yourself what happened and I can watch from a safe distance.

----xxxXXXxxx----

Head teacher's office: an assortment of adolescent amphibians cower together in a group, all trying to curl back up into tadpole position. All accept 1 Newt, he stands apart, upright straight in front of the desk. He keeps giving the others withering glances from behind his guyliner.

Newton: Pull yourselves together phibs, we don't want old Chatternack to smell any fear.

The cowering cohort try hard to get themselves into line and pull up straight, very little unconvincingly.

Newton: That' better, don't worry I have it all in web.

The door slams open and in jumps Sir Chatternack an intimidating large and warty amphibian who looks more like a toad than a frog. He takes up his place behind the desk, settles down into his chair and folds his webs. Silence follows  but his eyes meet Newton's and they seem to be involved in a long telepathic stand off.

Sir C/N: (quietly and threateningly) It has been brought  to my attention that there is an illegal frogpool team operating within my school.

Newton: And who brought it to your attention Sir? Would it be Nostradamus Frog sir? The irresponsible frog that has had the whole bog in turmoil and fear while he hid in a under a log?

Sir C/N:  The source of my information is not relevant, what is relevant is that you are the silly phib responsible for this ridiculous rabble who think they are a frogpool team.

Newton: I am very proud to be the founding member of Amphibians United, if that's what you mean?

Sir C/N: You do realise that you are a newt don't you?

Newton: It's hard to not to notice the tail sir.

Sir C/N: And are you aware that a number of your team mates are also newts, or even toads.

Newton: I am sir. Are you finding species identification a little difficult sir? Everyone needs to be clear about their identity.

Sir C/N: Very amusing Mr. Newton I'm sure. I'm sure you don't need me to remind an intelligent Newt like yourself that frogpool is just for frogs. The clue's in the name.

Newton: Well maybe it's time the name was changed sir, I'm intelligent enough to recognise species discrimination when it hops in my face.

Sir C/N: The law clearly states that only frogs are allowed to play frogpool, I didn't make the law, I only follow it.

Newton: Do you? (there is a long silence, Sir Chatternack is not going to rise to that last comment) Anyway, I am following the law sir, as you see sir we do have a frog playing frogpool for us.

Sir Chatternack turns his attention to the poor frog trying to disappear behind Newton.

Sir C/N: Ah yes, Hieronymus, your involvement with these criminal has not escaped my attention.

Frog: (in trembling croak) Criminals?

Sir C/N: Why yes young man, why would you want to play the beautiful game with such pathetic creatures as these, I mean their inferiority must be obvious to a decent frogpool player like yourself.

Newton: (finally loosing his cool) Inferior! I'll have you know that this team could wipe the pond floor with what passes as the school team and we'll prove it to you too!

Sir C/N: (looking at the gibbering phibs clearly amused) Really? I'd like to see that. Well as you know I should expel you and report this infringement of bog law to the authorities but I think I may take up your gauntlet Mr. Newton. A dose of humiliation is just what you need to put you all back in your box and with no need for a criminal record. I think I will rather enjoy the look on your faces after we've trashed you soundly.

Newton: As I will enjoy the look on yours when you eat those words Sir.

Sir C/N: I think I'd better dismiss you before you make things any worse for yourselves.

The rabble of phibs quickly turn and start hopping towards the door as if they have won a great victory when Sir Chatternack clears his throat and calls out.

Sir C/N Oh and Hieronymus, I'll see you at practice on Tuesday.

Frog: Practice Sir, but I thought after this I'd be off the team Sir.

Sir C/N: Really? Well young frog, you're a member of this school are you not? And if you want to stay a member of this school then I you will have to stay a member of out frogpool team and I think we'll be needing some extra practice sessions in the circumstances, we won't want to take any chances will we?

Frog: Yes sir, I understand sir.

The phibs finally exit, but now they drag their webs, and dip their shoulders in a defeated manner.

What is a frog to do?

If You Go Down to the Bog Today...

Having fed thirteen sets of poor gullible parents a tissue of lies concerning who was sleeping at whose pad that night the inevitable moment arrived. The moment when thirteen mismatched amphibians congregated at Newton's secret training ground for their first team practice.

In actual fact they had all practised together many times before, it was me who was the new phib in the bog and I hoped the initiations to this team bore no resemblance to the ones when I joined the school frogpool team. For the first 3 months I had to perform all practice moves whilst wearing a sign that said 'pond scum performs better than me'. Eventually I was allowed to ditch the sign, but spent another 6 weeks having to serve half time algae juice to my team mates while tap dancing. And don't forget that was all when Pixie actually quite liked me!

I needn't have worried my webs though. Joining this team was a completely different nettle of fish. My new team mates regard me as a hero, the frog who deigns to play frogpool with toads and newts. They watched my every move as if it were a masterclass in the sport. They even applauded me in warm up stretches. Actually they are all pretty good themselves. Newton is an excellent coach and it was clear that the practice they had put in was paying off.

There was one problem that became apparent as Newton coached us through a series of exercises. We all raced across the pool. I came first. Myself and the toads hopped across the lily pads, I came first. Myself and the newts dived down to the pond floor, I arrived first. It seemed non of my team mates were prepared to humiliate me in any way whatsoever. When eventually it came to tackling and not one of them would come within 10 cm of me poor Newton clapped his webs to his forehead in desperation.

"What is wrong with you all?" he declared, "Look I know he's on our side, I know he's doing a great thing for us, but don't forget he's a frog! He's our enemy, too long in the bog the frog has ruled supreme especially in the frog pool, this is our chance to take them down a hop or two!"



 There was a nano of a nano  second and suddenly I was jumped on from all sides by 11 other phibs. Newton very kindly held back to give everyone else a good turn. I actually felt rather at home in the slimy mass, now I really knew that I was part of a frogpool team.

A Heap of Phibs

It was while I was in the centre of this scrum that a terrifying noise ripped through the training bog, it was so loud and resonant that waves rippled across the bog and all the phibs dropped away from me.

As we heap tumbled away dazed by the noise another frog hopped into out midst. A rather large frog, a frog with 'Croak Till You Choke' tattooed across his throat. It was Nostradamus Frog. Where he had hopped from I didn't know but I could see the fear in my team mates eyes, I felt it in my own guts too.

"What do you think you're playing at?" he croaked.

Newton was the only one of us to seem calm, "Frogpool," he said without a pause.

"Exactly!" he said, "frogpool, for frogs and I see no frog here."

"Well non accept Frog over there," said Newton.

My cousin looked directly at me, "Like I said, I see no frog's here." He smiled up one side of his face, "Well I think it is my civic duty to report any illegal sporting activity at once to Sir Chatternack." And with that he started to hop away.

"I see no frogs!"

Newton called out, "You do that Notty, and while you're there don't forget to explain to him where you have been for the last month."

Notty pulled up on a pad and looked back over his shoulder, "Oh that's easy," he said, "I've been  waiting  patiently here to catch you out, I'd seen you sneaking this way and I knew something fishy was going on when little Ronnie suddenly wanted to be friends." Then he hopped and was gone

So we're all in pike poo up to our throats and, as usual, it's all my fault.