Hide and Seek

The places I really wish I'd used to hide from Newton

• The froglets water park
• Tarquin Toad's Bogology club
• Lily's locker
• The road

The one place I really wish I HADN'T tried to hide from Newton

• Gramps mud pool!

And Why?

1. Newton wouldn't have wriggled straight round to demand why I'd been skipping practice.
2. He wouldn't have accused me of causing Lily to suddenly quit the team.
3. I wouldn't have blurted out that it had nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with Chatternack.
4. Gramps wouldn't have heard the whole sorry story about how our illustrious head teacher was blackmailing me to play for the school team instead of Amphibians United in the up coming match.
5. Gramps wouldn't have hopped straight over to Chatternacks' private pad and confronted him.
6. Chatternack wouldn't have threatened not only to expel me if I didn't play for school but also to expel me if the team lost!
7. Gramps wouldn't have called him a hypercritical toady @*$?*£! and they wouldn't have openly brawled in the pond.
8. The police would not have had to be called to separate them and Officer Fergal Frog would not have received a black eye courtesy of Gramps.
9. Chaternack would not have gloated that as Amphibians United no longer had any frogs on the team that there would in actual fact be no match anyway as they could no longer claim to be a true inter species team.
10. And Gramps would not have announced that he himself would be playing as sub for AU as Fergal led him back to the station.

So there we have it,  not only have to play for WBS to avoid expulsion but also win the match, and my grandfather is going to humiliate himself by making a return to competitive sports. All because I couldn't have been a little more inventive with my hiding place,

What is a Frog to do?

If you've been wondering why I haven't blogging for a while, don't worry I haven't croaked or anything I've just been training really hard for the upcoming unfriendly frogpool match, West Bogside V Amphibians United. It's now less than a fortnight away and the practices have really been hopping up a gear. When you're in both teams that's a tight schedule I can tell you.

Despite that things have been going really well. The defection of West Bogside's best bull (and love of my life) Lily to our illegal inter-species team has really given us a boost and now she has finally bonded with the other bulls on the team I think they will form an impenetrable force. And that's not all, as out head teacher, the hypocritical Sir Chatternack, won't let Lily off the hook when it comes to school practices either, it means that my skin has become an impenetrable force to the personal attacks from Pixie (my never quite ex), captain of the school team, or so I thought.

With the match drawing so close the final preparations are being made and I got quite a shock when Pixie announced the final line up for it. Both me and Lily are in it!

"WHAT!?" croaked Lily and me in unison.

"Problem?" asked Pixie dryly.

"You know damn right there is!" said Lily.

"I'm sorry I'm not sure I do, perhaps if you share it with me can I do do something about it."

I puffed up my throat as large as I could, "Pixie you know for well me and Lily are in the Amphibian United squad, we can't play for West Bogside in this match, you've always known that."

"Are you members of West Bogside frogpool team or not?" she asked.

"Well yes, but only because Chatternack will expel us if we quit."

"So then if you're in my team I can play you in whatever match I want."

How could I have been so blind? How did I not see this coming? Why am I as thick as pond sludge?But I put that to one side and carried on in desperation as if I actually believed that Pixie may be brought to see sense in this lifetime.

"But you've got loads of players to pick from, look you haven't even put Mungo in the team, he'll be gutted."

"As captain I have the responsibility to field my best players, and you Meat (as in dead) are idiotic, idealistic, easily led and the company you hop with (she glanced at Lily) is quite frankly revolting but you are my best sub and I will play you!"

At this I deflated as flat as road kill but Lily wasn't defeated yet, the filthy look that Pixie had just thrown her way had just spurred her on.

"Well I think your strategy is all wrong," she said whilst laying a cold unmoving gaze on Pixie, "you'll be fielding two players with highly compromised loyalties, we won't play our best for you, we'll let the other team win, we will not be your best players."

If Lily's look was cold Pixie's was at absolute zero, "Oh don't think I haven't thought about that Miss Wide and Mighty, because I have. Sir Chatternack will be there and if he thinks for even a gnat's wing beat you are not putting 110% in you'll be out of school faster than I eat my lunch and I don't think either of you want expulsion on your records do you?"

Pixie's had me for lunch!

And she's right Mum and Dad would never recover from the shame and how will I ever escape from the bog without even a Bog Standard Certificate of Education. Pixie has got us tight by the webs and isn't letting go.

So what choices do we have? Play for Amphibians United and get kicked out of school, play badly for West Bogside and get kicked out of school, or save our school career by crushing AU along with the hopes, dreams and friendship of the best newt we ever knew

I can't bring myself to tell Newton yet, it will destroy him, and I'm not sure an inter-species frogpool team will have the same impact if there are no frogs in it. I am just hopping for another miracle between now and then.

What is a frog to do?

On the Hop

Newton's been a bit concerned about team bonding ever since Lily arrived. Obviously he welcomed her with open webs because of the advantage she gives us.I welcomed her with an open mouth and chin on the floor because I couldn't believe my luck. The other phibs however, are not so sure. They have a natural mistrust of frogs in general and one that is the biggest bull in the school and who came from the inner sanctum of the evil Pixilator. Ivana in particular has been throwing daggers Lily's way, and I don't mean looks, I mean sharpened bull reeds! Lily's very understanding and luckily  very thick skinned (literally and figuratively).

Anyway, Newton decided to try and get the team to gel better by taking us all out for the night. It didn't quite go to plan as you will see in the Newspaper report below.

West Bogside Croakicle

Cops On the Hop

The police force was called to 'The Hop' last Saturday night to quell a serious disturbance. The distrurbacne apparently began when a gang of unlawful phibs entered the premises and started a fight with other local youths.



Brawling not Hopping

 'The Hop' is a popular Saturday dance club popular with many of Westside Bog's young phibians and this Saturday seemed like any other. That was until the gang entered the premises. The gang members, who are alleged to be an illegal mixed species frogpool team, seemed set on intimidation and soon singled out the members of West Bogside Academy's frogpool team. One witness, a Miss Elfin Frog, said that the gang set about their weakest member, one Mungo Frog. He was saved thanks to the bravery of the team captain, Pixie Frog, who apparently fended off five of the gang single handedly and helped Mungo to safety.

However, the gang leader, Newton Newt seemingly incensed by her interventions speared his crew on and a full scale bar brawl ensued. The police were called and were soon on the scene, where it took a full dozen officers in riot gear to calm the situation and arrest the offending gang members.

Mr. Tattle Toad, proprietor, said, "It was heartbreaking, to see all my years of hard work destroyed by those hoodlums, I hope they throw away the key!"

You can always rely on the West Bogside Croakicle to give a fair and unbiased version of events. It's rumoured that Carbuncle Toad, the editor, is actually cousin to Sir Chatternack. Of course as he is a frog he fiercely denies these.

Anyway, obviously that's not quite how it went. We only went for a good night out, no brawling intended. We had no idea that the WBS team would even be there and didn't go near them when we realised they were.

It was Pixie who attacked us, flattening poor Mungo as she tried to attack. And she didn't fend of 5 of us, she couldn't even fend off one right hook from Lily which knocked her cold for 2 minutes and gave her a fantastic black eye. But as I guess the Croak's star witness was Elfin, Pixie's sister, it's no wonder they go that part wrong.

As for the arrests, the only police who came was old Officer Fergal Frog who's Gramps best mate, and he just frog marched us back to our pads (where we were pleased to go) and left us with a water flea in our ear. And the only damage I noticed was when Lily knocked a picture from the wall as she followed through her punch.

But please don't be alarmed by all these events because it all turned out well. The rest of the team have all been bullied bullied by Pixie at one time or another, so now they think that Lily is Frogtastic!

Frogpool Rules!

I've had a revelation.

I LOVE FROGPOOL!

I've spent a lifetime believing it to be more loathsome  and less useful than pond slime but now I suddenly get it, I suddenly see if for the beautiful game it is.

And why this sudden change of feeling? Well it all came about when Lily defected from WBS school team to join the renegade Phibian United team. The biggest most beautiful bull in the bog is suddenly on MY side.Last week I didn't have an ounce of strength left for one more practise, but now I can't get enough of them.

I LOVE going to practise.

I LOVE that I can't beat Lily in a race across the pool.

I LOVE every tackle when she pins me to a pad or sends me to the bottom of the pool.

I LOVE that she always checks I'm OK after.

I LOVE that she croaks the loudest when  I perform my trade mark triple twist hop.

I LOVE that Newton has the widest grin I've ever seen 'cos he just knows we're going to beat Chatternack's team now.

I LOVE that she believes in me (and Phibians United, but mostly me).

And it's not just the Phibian practises that I'm loving. West Bogside practises great too! Sir. Chatternack soon got wind of Lily quitting and like me put a stop to it, there was no way he was losing talent like hers. Pixie was hopping mad but there's nothing she can do about it with Chatternack on the case.

 I LOVE that I am no longer the scape croak of the team, but have Lily's support.

I LOVE seeing Pixie inwardly seething.

I LOVE her desperate attempts to rattle me (and Lily).

I LOVE the fact that none of them work

I LOVE the fact that Lily has more talent in her left webs than Pixie  can muster in her entire bulk.

I LOVE that Pixie knows this too.

So now I can't wait to wipe the smile of Chatternack's smug warty face when he sees Lily and me (and the rest of our team) pulverise WBS into pond scum! I'm a frog in serious training!

Miracles do Happen

So there I was going through yet another gruelling Amphibians United practise when we we suddenly found a beautiful angelic presence in our midst.   And who was this divine visitor you ask. Non other than the love of my life, Lily!

Lily Frog- My great big angle!

OK, the rest of the team didn't quite see it that way, in fact  tackled her and pinned her to a pad suspecting her to be there for reasons of sabotage. And she stayed pinned there until Newton gave the order release her, and only after the rest of the team had set up a perimeter around her to prevent her escape.

The funny thing was, when she was let her go she sat serenely in the middle while her immense guard seemed to have the jitters as if she hadn't got anything to worry about at all.

"What has Pixie sent you to do?" asked Newton.

"She didn't send me." replied Lilly, "I'm defecting."

"WHAT!?!?" said everyone.

"Yes, I think showing that all phibs are equal is inspirational and I want to join."

My true love has come over to my side, well away from the evil nasty webs of Pixie. Or at least that's what I thought. The rest of the team were not as convinced.

"You don't believe this pond rot!" said Petula, "she's clearly a spy from the other team."

"Good point," said Newton, "if you were really sympathetic to out cause you would have joined sooner."

"I wanted to but it's not that easy, going against Pixie is committing social suicide and I'm new here, I wasn't sure I was brave enough for that."

 

"And what about the school team?"

"Quit it, to be honest Pixie was glad to see the back of me, I'm a much better bull than she is and she doesn't really like competition."

It was obvious that this little revelation started to soften Newton, winning the match means everything to him and he wasn't going to pass up an advantage like that!

"Oh come on," Ivana said, "you're not going to listen to this FROG are you? We formed this team to show frogs like her a thing or two."

"No we didn't, "snapped Newton, "we formed this team to show that it really doesn't matter what species you are we're all good enough to play together. Having another frog on the team will even things up a bit, make the point clearer."

"Well you needn't think she's having my place on the team!" she snapped, "I've worked really hard for that."

"Oh no," said Lily genuinely apologetically, "I don't want top push anyone of the team."

"And you won't," said Newton, "we'll substitute through the match, make sure everyone gets a fair turn. Does everyone agree?"

There were general agreements from the team, some rather begrudgingly. Newton turned to me and winked. "Well I know you don't need any convincing at least," he said. And I didn't.

Playing it cool!

Gramps delivers TLC (Tough Love Coldly)

What do you think you're doing crawling into my mud pool? You needn't think you're going to haul up here for the weekend and mope about! I heard what's been going on, you get back out there to practise.

But...

Now don't give me that sob story, exhausted my anus! You young phibs don't know you're spawn getting all stroppy for the sake of a few extra practises. Why in my time we used to have to practise all night every night for a month when there was a big match approaching.

But...

Of course I used to play frogpool . I was the best sub in three generations, you don't think you're the first sub in our family do you? You had to get your genes from somewhere. Just a shame it wasn't me. That Sir Chatternack has never forgiven me since he couldn't get a web on me in the cup final. Completely humiliated him I did and now he just loves to hop onto every opportunity to remind me how utterly average you are.

But...

Yes of course I hate frogpool! I hate it with  down to every last web. But I've earned the right to hate it. You don't really know what it is to hate the game until you've played it at habitat level. The best you can hope to manage at the moment is mild dislike.

But...

And how do you ever think you are going to get a girlfriend pansying about and moaning about torn webs? Your gran was the biggest bull in the bog, she broke my limbs three times before she finally agreed to go courting with me. You'll never earn the respect of a good woman if you don't let her beat you to a pulp once in a while!

But...

So you can stop you're whinging and lolly gagging hop off my pad and report yourself back to Newton for more practise. He's a fine young newt that Newton.It's about time someone took a stand about the ingrained speciesist attitude in sport. You should be proud to be part of such an endeavour as his. And you make sure that team of his wins, I can't wait to slap that smug smile of old Chatternack's smug warty face. If you don't win, you're no grandphib of mine!

...

A Punishing Schedule!

It would appear being a member of two opposing frogpool teams is very hard work.

Monday

Morning hop with Amphibians United. Couldn't get anywhere near Begonia, she is the quickest toad I've ever seen.

 Morning lessons.

 Circuit training with West Bogside (catch lunch while you sweat).

Afternoon lessons. (seem to be getting a lot of extra homework today).

 After school practise with West Bogside. Speed swimming, trying to keep out of Pixie's way.

Quick tea back at pad.

Evening practise with Amphibians United. Team building exercises planned by Aristotle, personally I didn't enjoy high fiving with tongues.


Late into night homework session.

Tuesday

Early Morning Hop AU. Today beaten by Begonia and Delphinium.

Morning Assembly (A ribberting presentation on the injuries sustained by phibs who have partaken in illegal frogpool games).

Morning lessons (Bogology- Mr. Barking accused my homework of being rushed and slovenly and so has given me detention).

Lunchtime personal training session with Sir Chatternack (No lunch caught).

Afternoon lesson (another detention, my teachers keep giving me odd sideways looks today).


After school practice with WBS. The nearest thing to high fiving here was having my head slammed into the floor.
.
Detention- cleaning pond sludge off the bottom of  the frogpool.

Tea

Team tactic meeting at Newton's pad led by Edison, his tactics are simply to win 20-0.

Homework

Wednesday

Circuit training with AU. Begonia, Delphinium, Arial and Mugwort.

Morning lessons (detention from PSHE this time).

Lunch time detention with Sir Chatternack (trophy polishing duty).

Afternoon lessons (No detention but missiles kept ricocheting off my head. They originated from Pixie and the other bulls).

Frogpool Practise with WBS (mid air tackles were practiced, my tackle will never be the same again!)

Detention- Cleaning Sir Chatternack's desk with a web cloth.

Tea on the hop.

Frogpool practise with AU. More tackling, but the profuse apologies from my team mates were a welcome change.


Homework

Thursday

AU morning hop, Beaten by those mentioned yesterday plus Pavlova and Ivana.

Morning lessons (detention again).

Lunchtime detention and circuit training WBS. Too tired to hear the insults.

Afternoon lessons (sit as far away from Pixie, Lily and the other bulls as possible).

Frogpool Practice  WBS- under water manoeuvres, breathing isn't important is it?

 

Detention-  Cleaning WBS kit by webs.

Grabbed some fast food (dragon fly).

Frogpool practice AU. Traversng the pool via pads. Team mates were very encouraging even though I came last every time.

Homework (actually passed out over bogology project).

Friday

VERY early homework session.

early morning hop AU. Beaten by EVERYONE.

Morning lessons (can't remember if detentions was involved or not, but do remember Pixie tripping me up as I tried to get to my desk. That wouldn't have been so bad but the Mr. Barking my form tutor did the same thing a moment after!)

Lunchtime dentition/ personal training with Sir Chatternack.

Afternoon lessons. Detention for sleeping in class.

Fropgpool practise WBS. Too much pain to recall.

Tea

Froglet sitting so AU practise moved to my pad, more tactical planning, Edison now plans that our victory over WBS will be 57-0.

Saturday

Mum put her webs down and banned any more frogpool practise today. She's worried I'm getting behind with my school work so had spent the day on watercourse work.

Tomorrow I have a full schedule of practises, homework and froglet sitting but I plan to be up early and hop off to see gramps.


When have I done enough?



A Dramatic Turn of Events

I feel the need to distance myself from recent painful events so I have decided to dramatise them so you can see for yourself what happened and I can watch from a safe distance.

----xxxXXXxxx----

Head teacher's office: an assortment of adolescent amphibians cower together in a group, all trying to curl back up into tadpole position. All accept 1 Newt, he stands apart, upright straight in front of the desk. He keeps giving the others withering glances from behind his guyliner.

Newton: Pull yourselves together phibs, we don't want old Chatternack to smell any fear.

The cowering cohort try hard to get themselves into line and pull up straight, very little unconvincingly.

Newton: That' better, don't worry I have it all in web.

The door slams open and in jumps Sir Chatternack an intimidating large and warty amphibian who looks more like a toad than a frog. He takes up his place behind the desk, settles down into his chair and folds his webs. Silence follows  but his eyes meet Newton's and they seem to be involved in a long telepathic stand off.

Sir C/N: (quietly and threateningly) It has been brought  to my attention that there is an illegal frogpool team operating within my school.

Newton: And who brought it to your attention Sir? Would it be Nostradamus Frog sir? The irresponsible frog that has had the whole bog in turmoil and fear while he hid in a under a log?

Sir C/N:  The source of my information is not relevant, what is relevant is that you are the silly phib responsible for this ridiculous rabble who think they are a frogpool team.

Newton: I am very proud to be the founding member of Amphibians United, if that's what you mean?

Sir C/N: You do realise that you are a newt don't you?

Newton: It's hard to not to notice the tail sir.

Sir C/N: And are you aware that a number of your team mates are also newts, or even toads.

Newton: I am sir. Are you finding species identification a little difficult sir? Everyone needs to be clear about their identity.

Sir C/N: Very amusing Mr. Newton I'm sure. I'm sure you don't need me to remind an intelligent Newt like yourself that frogpool is just for frogs. The clue's in the name.

Newton: Well maybe it's time the name was changed sir, I'm intelligent enough to recognise species discrimination when it hops in my face.

Sir C/N: The law clearly states that only frogs are allowed to play frogpool, I didn't make the law, I only follow it.

Newton: Do you? (there is a long silence, Sir Chatternack is not going to rise to that last comment) Anyway, I am following the law sir, as you see sir we do have a frog playing frogpool for us.

Sir Chatternack turns his attention to the poor frog trying to disappear behind Newton.

Sir C/N: Ah yes, Hieronymus, your involvement with these criminal has not escaped my attention.

Frog: (in trembling croak) Criminals?

Sir C/N: Why yes young man, why would you want to play the beautiful game with such pathetic creatures as these, I mean their inferiority must be obvious to a decent frogpool player like yourself.

Newton: (finally loosing his cool) Inferior! I'll have you know that this team could wipe the pond floor with what passes as the school team and we'll prove it to you too!

Sir C/N: (looking at the gibbering phibs clearly amused) Really? I'd like to see that. Well as you know I should expel you and report this infringement of bog law to the authorities but I think I may take up your gauntlet Mr. Newton. A dose of humiliation is just what you need to put you all back in your box and with no need for a criminal record. I think I will rather enjoy the look on your faces after we've trashed you soundly.

Newton: As I will enjoy the look on yours when you eat those words Sir.

Sir C/N: I think I'd better dismiss you before you make things any worse for yourselves.

The rabble of phibs quickly turn and start hopping towards the door as if they have won a great victory when Sir Chatternack clears his throat and calls out.

Sir C/N Oh and Hieronymus, I'll see you at practice on Tuesday.

Frog: Practice Sir, but I thought after this I'd be off the team Sir.

Sir C/N: Really? Well young frog, you're a member of this school are you not? And if you want to stay a member of this school then I you will have to stay a member of out frogpool team and I think we'll be needing some extra practice sessions in the circumstances, we won't want to take any chances will we?

Frog: Yes sir, I understand sir.

The phibs finally exit, but now they drag their webs, and dip their shoulders in a defeated manner.

What is a frog to do?

If You Go Down to the Bog Today...

Having fed thirteen sets of poor gullible parents a tissue of lies concerning who was sleeping at whose pad that night the inevitable moment arrived. The moment when thirteen mismatched amphibians congregated at Newton's secret training ground for their first team practice.

In actual fact they had all practised together many times before, it was me who was the new phib in the bog and I hoped the initiations to this team bore no resemblance to the ones when I joined the school frogpool team. For the first 3 months I had to perform all practice moves whilst wearing a sign that said 'pond scum performs better than me'. Eventually I was allowed to ditch the sign, but spent another 6 weeks having to serve half time algae juice to my team mates while tap dancing. And don't forget that was all when Pixie actually quite liked me!

I needn't have worried my webs though. Joining this team was a completely different nettle of fish. My new team mates regard me as a hero, the frog who deigns to play frogpool with toads and newts. They watched my every move as if it were a masterclass in the sport. They even applauded me in warm up stretches. Actually they are all pretty good themselves. Newton is an excellent coach and it was clear that the practice they had put in was paying off.

There was one problem that became apparent as Newton coached us through a series of exercises. We all raced across the pool. I came first. Myself and the toads hopped across the lily pads, I came first. Myself and the newts dived down to the pond floor, I arrived first. It seemed non of my team mates were prepared to humiliate me in any way whatsoever. When eventually it came to tackling and not one of them would come within 10 cm of me poor Newton clapped his webs to his forehead in desperation.

"What is wrong with you all?" he declared, "Look I know he's on our side, I know he's doing a great thing for us, but don't forget he's a frog! He's our enemy, too long in the bog the frog has ruled supreme especially in the frog pool, this is our chance to take them down a hop or two!"



 There was a nano of a nano  second and suddenly I was jumped on from all sides by 11 other phibs. Newton very kindly held back to give everyone else a good turn. I actually felt rather at home in the slimy mass, now I really knew that I was part of a frogpool team.

A Heap of Phibs

It was while I was in the centre of this scrum that a terrifying noise ripped through the training bog, it was so loud and resonant that waves rippled across the bog and all the phibs dropped away from me.

As we heap tumbled away dazed by the noise another frog hopped into out midst. A rather large frog, a frog with 'Croak Till You Choke' tattooed across his throat. It was Nostradamus Frog. Where he had hopped from I didn't know but I could see the fear in my team mates eyes, I felt it in my own guts too.

"What do you think you're playing at?" he croaked.

Newton was the only one of us to seem calm, "Frogpool," he said without a pause.

"Exactly!" he said, "frogpool, for frogs and I see no frog here."

"Well non accept Frog over there," said Newton.

My cousin looked directly at me, "Like I said, I see no frog's here." He smiled up one side of his face, "Well I think it is my civic duty to report any illegal sporting activity at once to Sir Chatternack." And with that he started to hop away.

"I see no frogs!"

Newton called out, "You do that Notty, and while you're there don't forget to explain to him where you have been for the last month."

Notty pulled up on a pad and looked back over his shoulder, "Oh that's easy," he said, "I've been  waiting  patiently here to catch you out, I'd seen you sneaking this way and I knew something fishy was going on when little Ronnie suddenly wanted to be friends." Then he hopped and was gone

So we're all in pike poo up to our throats and, as usual, it's all my fault.

Papering Over the Croaks

I think this week in the bog can be summed up by two pieces of paper that are doing the rounds. the first is this poster that has been pasted up absolutely EVERYWHERE in the bog.

Notty's mum must really hate him because if he ever reads one of the thousands of posters that she has printed there is no way he'll ever show his face in the big again!

The second bit of paper was mysteriously posted into my lily locker one day. The mystery only lasted as long as it took me to unfold it, Newton has obviously been putting his sizable intellect towards team formation.

I have to say that newt is a tactical genius, he certainly knows how to make the most of our strengths this could actually be a pretty good team. But that aside it is the scariest piece of paper I have ever held. Suddenly it makes it real, and not just real but evidence! I now appear firmly in the centre of an illegal frogpool team, if Chatternack ever gets his webs on this my education, and worse, my life is over!

Amphibians Unite

There' still no sign of Nostradamus despite the fact that daily and nightly searches are carrying on. The curfew remains in place but Newton has found a bit of a loop hole round it. We may all have to be back at a pad by 6 but no one seems to care whose pad so Newton decided to arrange a mass sleep over!

I wasn't exactly an enthusiastic participant, in fact I was the last to arrive. I wish I hadn't bothered, the moment Newton showed me onto his pad I was welcomed like some kind of hero by all the gathered newts and toads. They all croaked, slapped their webs or lashed their tails for me, my inner tadpole just wanted to curl up. I still haven't decided if I can be part of the team, they don't know I'm a coward not a hero.

Anyway when the clammer had died down Newton introduced me to my would be team mates.

The Bulls

Petula- A female toad of gargantuan proportions, about 3 times my size, but with the tiniest little croak I've ever heard.

Begonia- Another female toad, she seemed a little unsure about whether she really wanted to be there, I think Petula had dragged her along.

Delphinium- The smallest of the female toads, but has by far the biggest bubbliest personality.

Arial- I never heard this female toad actually speak, and she was notably smaller than the others, her movements were so graceful and fluid I wondered if she were real or pond mist.



Petula, Begonia, Delphinium and Arial



Tennyson- a male toad, nearly a big as the females, he has an intimidating physical presence but speaks with the politest grammar I've ever heard in the bog.

Mugwort- Tennyson's best friend, a little smaller but defiantly broader and well muscled. he had a strong bog toad accent but apart from that his manners equal Tennyson's.

Pavlova- A female newt. Very long and lithe but noticeably well muscled.

Ivana- A female newt not as toned as Pavlova but she has a presence that is somehow intimidating as if she can read your thoughts before you've even thought them.

Edison- A cheerful male newt, seems physically far too small to play as a bull and will be pulverised, but he seems happily unaware of this fact and fully expects to win every match. The fact that he thinks there could possibly ever be more than one match in itself is a major feat of optimism.

Pythagoras- Another male newt to play as bull, a little larger than Edison (or Eddie as he likes to be known) and much more reserved. He seems to be a bit of an observer on the outside, but I think he is still summing up the team and working out where they, and he fits into all this.

Edison and Pythagoras

The Subs

Aristotle- Small male toad whose wits are quicker than a pike on a fishing hook, I think is fair to say he's the joker in the team.


Newton- Eyeliner black as night, soul as bright as the north star and seems to be to the team as the pied piper was to rats.

Frog- me, looks like I can't get out of this now!


There was much talk over the evening about tactics and how to manage practice under the current regime, but the biggest topic on everyone's mind was what to call ourselves. There were lots of ridiculous suggestions of course, 'The Three Phibs of the Apocolypse'  'Bogpool Hoppers' or 'Chatternack's Nightmare's. But eventually it was agreed that the name that summed up exactly what we stood for was 'Amphibian United'.

Amphibian United

Runaway Reprobates and Reprieves

I was terrified to go back to school after Newton's shock revelation last week. All illegal frogpool activity should be reported to Sir Chatternack immediately so that he can inform the authorities. Of course there is no way I'm going to drop my best friend in the mire like that. Newton is completely right but if anyone finds out that I know about an illegal team I'll be expelled faster that you can say gribbit. If I'm actually playing for that team I honestly don't want to even think about what will happen to me, frogs have disappeared for less. 

Wherever I went in school on Monday I was convinced that phibs could see straight through my skull to what I was thinking, I daren't look anyone in the eyes. Luckily for me something came along as a distraction. Not so lucky for Nostradamus Frog though, Nostradamus has bogged off and is missing!

Have you seen this frog?

My reprobate of a cousin was last seen hopping towards the road croaking that he'd had enough of this backbog, he was going to make his mark in the great wet world. His disappearance had sent panic rippling through the habitat. Search parties have been all over the bog and there is no sign of him, thankfully especially on the road. School is taking it especially seriously and Sir Chatternack himself has interviewed every member of Note's choir to try and discover where and why he has gone, but if they know they won't croak.

Sir Chatternack is terrified it may start a wave of disinfected adolescent defections so he called the whole school into the hall to watch this not at all patronising public information video.

http://www.britanimation.com./

Nostradamus' disappearance has prompted a wide range of responses from the bog community, here are just some of them.

Sir Chatternack- Nostradamus is a foolhardy frog and his behavior will only lead nowhere good and should not be imitated under any circumstances.

Dad- The outside world will pound him to pond sludge.

Mum- Oh my bog, it's Uncle Bosch all over again!

Gramps- I don't know what all the fuss is about, I mean it's not as if he's any loss to the bog, better off out of the gene pool if you ask me.

Newton- If anyone really believes he has crossed over to the other side they've got pond weed for brains. He's as scared of the road as the next phib, it's all a big show, he'll be laying low under a log somewhere thinking up what his story is going to be ready for his dramatic homecoming.

And what do I think? I've barely give Note a second thought, I'm just relieved that it's bought me some time over the inter-species frogpool team. The bog's now under a strict curfew which means there is no chance for after school frogpool practises, I can duck the issue for a little longer. Hopefully, if the curfew last long enough, Newton will have lost his equality fervor and come to his senses. And if you believe that then you believe Sir Chatternack was once a froglet!



NEWT FLASH!

OH MY BOG!

NEWTON'S BACK! He just crawled up onto my pad last night with no warning. His smile as bright, his eyeliner as dark as ever.




MISS ME?

 

And it's worse than I thought, whatever fears I had been dreaming up about him being dissected by a biped, smashed to pieces by a juggernaut or inducted into a weird frog hating sect could not prepare me for the sheer horror of what he's been doing.

HE'S FORMED HIS OWN FROGPOOL TEAM!

He's had some questions to answer I can tell you!

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking I'd quite like you to offer me an algae juice.

Frogpool is not an inter-species sport, you do know it's illegal for you to play don't you?

I know that it is the most outmoded, xenophobic piece of legal pond weed introduced by a group of close minded frogs with a superiority complex, tail envy and small webs! It's about time someone brought this ecosystem hopping and croaking into the 21st century and stopped discriminating against amphibians just because of their species.

Yes, but why you?

Because I can.

No you can't. You'll get kicked out of school, do you want that?

I don't think West Bogside can offer me a lot more educationally speaking, it's about time I gave something back.

Who in bog is going to be stupid enough to join the team?

Actually I already have a full squad of toads and newts plus several as reserves. We've been having practices for weeks now.

What? Where?

I converted the deserted marsh behind the bull rushes, a bit of clever channel and damn building and I've made a full size frogpool.

How are you going to stop Sir Chatternack from finding out?

I'm not, as soon as the team is at it's peak I intend to challenge his team against mine, then I can prove once and for all the species does not matter in sport.

What!? Are you mad?

My last three psychological profiles say that apart from a slight disregard for self, probably not.

Newton, why didn't you tell me what you've been doing?

Probably because I knew you'd behave like this.

So why tell me now?

Because for it to be a true inter-species team I need a frog, plus the newts make great underwater subs but aren't so good at the aerial pad leaps. 

Why me?

Because Frog, you are my best friend and I know I can rely on you. Besides I've been missing spending time with my best frog.

So there you have it. My best friend is the coach of an  illegal underground frogpool team and he wants me to join. I understand why he's doing it, and I admire his courage. But I don't think I would be so brave if I had to tell me mum and dad I got kicked out of school, which I would be if Sir Chatternack got wind of this. Not to mention what the bulls would do to me, and Lily hates me enough already! It's social suicide but how can I say no?



Can I say no?