Gramps delivers TLC (Tough Love Coldly)

What do you think you're doing crawling into my mud pool? You needn't think you're going to haul up here for the weekend and mope about! I heard what's been going on, you get back out there to practise.

But...

Now don't give me that sob story, exhausted my anus! You young phibs don't know you're spawn getting all stroppy for the sake of a few extra practises. Why in my time we used to have to practise all night every night for a month when there was a big match approaching.

But...

Of course I used to play frogpool . I was the best sub in three generations, you don't think you're the first sub in our family do you? You had to get your genes from somewhere. Just a shame it wasn't me. That Sir Chatternack has never forgiven me since he couldn't get a web on me in the cup final. Completely humiliated him I did and now he just loves to hop onto every opportunity to remind me how utterly average you are.

But...

Yes of course I hate frogpool! I hate it with  down to every last web. But I've earned the right to hate it. You don't really know what it is to hate the game until you've played it at habitat level. The best you can hope to manage at the moment is mild dislike.

But...

And how do you ever think you are going to get a girlfriend pansying about and moaning about torn webs? Your gran was the biggest bull in the bog, she broke my limbs three times before she finally agreed to go courting with me. You'll never earn the respect of a good woman if you don't let her beat you to a pulp once in a while!

But...

So you can stop you're whinging and lolly gagging hop off my pad and report yourself back to Newton for more practise. He's a fine young newt that Newton.It's about time someone took a stand about the ingrained speciesist attitude in sport. You should be proud to be part of such an endeavour as his. And you make sure that team of his wins, I can't wait to slap that smug smile of old Chatternack's smug warty face. If you don't win, you're no grandphib of mine!

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