A Night in the Bog for a Young Single Frog

So the weekend is here. What delights can the bog offer a young frog like myself in terms of social interaction?

1. The Algae Bar. The Algae Bar Is a cafe that specialises in algae based drinks. You can get hot algae, cold algae, frozen algae, flavoured algae, frothy algae, algaelatte, algaechino, algaemocha and algae muffins, all with muddy sprinkles. If you're going to go there, be sure you like algae!



Algae Muffins a Speciality



2. The Hop. The Hop, you've probably guessed, is a bit like a biped disco or night club. It's where frogs go to listen to music and dance (mostly to hip hop but sometimes croak music). It's a favourite venue for couples as you can get a bit sloppy there (or so I'm told).

3. The Water Park. The Water Park is a place where there are a few water slides, reed swings and stuff. It's really for froglets, or at least it is in the day. In the evening some of the more disaffected frogs from school hang out there. It's not a good place to go unless invited (or even if invited) especially if you have a fondness for all four of your limbs.

4. Choir Practise.Don't be fooled by your biped preconceptions of choir singing. It's a whole different kettle of maggots in the bog. If you're in a choir then you are living on the edge! Frog choirs (gangs to a biped) settle territory and superiority disputes with a sing off. They face each other down and sing with as much volume, resonance and bass as they can. Concerts can go on for hours and injury is common. Some frogs have lost consciousness and slipped from their pads into the water. Sometimes ear parts have begun to bleed and Uncle Bosch's head apparently exploded without warning!

I never knew my  Uncle Bosch and Mum doesn't like to talk about him. It was Gramps that told me that story so it may not be reliable. It would explain why I've never met him though.

5. Joy Hopping. Joy Hopping has been made illegal. Some adrenalin junkies used to leave the bog and go to the road where they would hop down the middle as fast as they could towards on coming traffic. Needless to say the life expectancy of a joy hopper engaging in joy hopping was about 1 minute 32 seconds. There are rumours that some of the Eastside Choir have started to sneak to the road at night to joy hop. It's all that's talked about a school, Pixie and the girls are well impressed. Newton says it's all a load of pond scum, he happened to see them hiding behind the Newt club last week when they said they were at the road practising their F Flat Major scale.

So which of these delightful past times lay ahead of me this weekend?

None of the above! I'm froglet sitting again while Mum and Dad go to the hop! I hope no one from school recognises them my life has not been worth living since the Pixie palaver, the embarrassment of this may make my death not worth dying either!

BIG IS BEAUTIFUL!

I learned in biped sociology class today that humans find the female of the species more attractive if she is small and thin.


You guys are so weird! That way of thinking would not go down well in the bog, we like our women BIG!

Mum and Dad

Look at Pixie for example (my almost ex girlfriend) she is huge, and I mean mammoth, and every inch oozes gorgeous froggy femininity. She is by far the largest girl school and the best bull on the frogpool team. Every guy wants to date her.


No one believed it when she agreed to go out with me. And I include myself in that, I hadn't even asked her out. It was Newton who passed her a note in Watermanship class. He asked her to meet him at the hop on Saturday and signed it from me. I went mad at him and demanded an explanation to why he had humiliated me so much. He said he was sick of watching me staring at her all bogeyed in class, it spoilt his concentration and his grades were suffering, so he thought he'd  do something about it and put us all out of our misery.


I was just about to shove his tail down his own throat when  Pixie appeared and accepted, just like that! She actually seemed pleased!


When Saturday came I couldn't have been more excited or nervous. I spent all day wallowing in the mud bath to make sure my complexion was nice and damp. Then just as I was about to hop off Mum called and said she needed me to froglet sit! I tried to reason with her but she put her webbs down. It was so unfair!

 That was that, I tried to send Pixie a gnat message, but my gnat's battery was flat and he was asleep on a reed.


Pixie thought I'd stood her  up and was understandably very upset. You really don't want to get on the wrong side of the biggest bull in school, because the wrong side is usually her underside as she sits on your head and limits your ability to breath.I spent days trying to avoid her. Newton felt responsible (because he was!) and stuck close at all times, but eventually I had to go to Frogpool practise and that is firmly a newt free zone.


Let's just say that my first experience of dating was a very painful experience and one I hope not to repeat any time soon. Not that I could if I did want too, Pixie holds some very heavy sway over the rest of the females on school. Dating me would result in social suicide!

Don't mess with Pixie!

 

What's in a name? Humiliation and Pain.

It has occured to me that I am known by a whole variety of different labels, non of them are my choosing so I have decided to review them and present my personal favourites, in reverse order of course.

5. Hieronymus. What sort of name is that? I mean completely ridiculous. Apparently I was named after my Great Great Grandfather Hieronymus. Well I'm sure having suffered with it his whole life through the last thing he would have wanted would be to pass it on to his poor descendants. I mean it's a bit like passing down hemophilia, no one wants it! Luckily no one actually calls me it, not even mum. The one exception is Sir Chatternack, that's how I know he really doesn't like me.

4. Number 9. My form tutor Mr. Barking is so devoted to his career in education that he can't be bothered to learn our names and calls us by the number we appear in the register. I am therefore number 9, to him and several of my fellow students who never bothered to learn mu name either.

3. Meat. As in Dead Meat. It is the term of endearment that Pixie thought up for me after our near relationship once. She uses it whenever possible as do all the other bulls from the frogpool team.

2. Ronnie. Having realised their severe lack of judgement  five minutes after writing Hieronymus on my spawn certificate Mum and Dad had to try and make amends for the life long embarrassment. That is why to my family, and occasional friend, I am known as Ronnie, it is marginally better I suppose.

1. Frog. This is what my best friend Newton calls me, not being a frog himself he finds it amusing. I respond by calling him Newt (you'd never guess it). I like Frog, it's a bit like one of you two legged Mammals out there being referred to as Man, Woman or Child. It could be thought of as bad mannered but I like it, it's impersonal, safe with a slight edge to it. I like to think I have a slight edge, no one wants to be a blunt instrument.

Frogpool- The Whys and Wherefores, The Hows and How Nots.

How to Play Frogpool

• Frogpool is a non gender specific sport so males and females can play. It is species specific however and so can only be played by frogs. Toads, newts and other amphibians are strictly banned although there have been some very high profile cases of species crossing in the professional game. The most notorious involve our very own head teacher Sir Chatternack, although nothing was ever proved.
• It is played with two teams of thirteen. The team is divided into ten bulls and three subs.
• The subs play an attacking role. They start at their teams end of the pool use all their cunning and agility to cross the pool and make contact with the oppositions side to score a goal. They are allowed to cross the pool either below or above surface as long as they stay within the play zone.
• Sound easy? Don't forget the ten bulls. The bulls play defensively, it is there job to prevent the other team's subs reaching their side by whatever means they can. They are BIG and so usually, but not always, played by females.

The Bulls

• It is a contact sport. You can make whatever contact you want with a opponent but contact with team members is strictly against the rules and may result in a penalty.
• A penalty is taken from the penalty pad. A sub sits on the pad a meter in front of the oppositions side. The bulls remain in the water. On the referee's croak they take a giant leap to touch the side but the bulls are they allowed to break surface to try and deflect the sub.

Penalty Pad

• During play if a sub manges to leap cleanly over a bull then that bull has to take 5 minutes on the time out pad.

How Not to Play Frogpool

• Don't let yourself be recruited to the Frogpool team if you are the smallest, slowest sub in the history of the school.
• Don't sit on the central pad trying to regain bearings in plain view of all bulls.
• Never need to breath or break the surface at any time during the game if you wish to survive.
• When circled by six opposing bulls never smile, wave and say, "So shouldn't we talk through our tactics?"
• When under a pile of 6 bulls don't try to escape, move, breath or make any movement that may result in broken bones.

Ouch!

• If attempting to leap a bull never accidentally land on their head, they don't like that.
• If taking a penalty leap be sure to aim high and on no account let any bull grab hold of your webs.
• Don't make any complaint to Sir Chatternack about the team's tactics unless you wish to have extra practise after school for a month.
• Never EVER EVER ask a bull on a date and then stand her up!

The Loves and Hates of Hieronymus Frog

Five Things I Hate About West Bogside Sports Academy for Amphibians

1. It's a sports academy. What happened to all the bog standard schools?  If we lived on the  East side of the bog I'd get to go to Eastside Technology College, but Mum and Dad won't hear about moving.

2.The Canteen. The food is all pre-deceased, haven't they ever heard of your daily 5 alive?

3. Our head teacher, Sir Chatternack. He was a Frogpool champion in his college days and went on to captain the international youth team. He is twice the size of any frogman I have ever seen. There are rumours that he had to have a DNA test to prove his species  and that he falsified them but nothing was ever proved.

4. The Bulls from the frogpool team. They act as if they own the school, and may as well do because Sir Chatternack treats them like demi gods as long as the trophies keep coming. They single out any one who is no good at, or has no interest in frogpool and torture them to pass the time.

5. Newton, the class Goth. He sits next to me in most classes.  He may as well have a sign flashing over his head that says, 'Open for Bulls'!

Five Things I Love About My Best Friend Newton

1. He's a newt and he's called Newton.

2. His hopeless optimism. He may be a goth but he is the most cheerful person in school.

3. His Individuality. It doesn't even begin to occur to him that standing out from the crowd is a problem.

4. His willing sacrifice for friends. Whenever the Bulls have me cornered he is more than happy to step in and divert them and let them flex their xenophobic muscles his way. 

5. His moral high ground. Even when he is covered in bruises and toilet paper he thinks he won on intellectual merit.

A New Year- a New Croak

A new year has arrived and so has broadband! The bog has finally gone technological and so have I.

So shall I do with this window to the world beyond?  Well I think I'm just going to croak into it, someone may listen. No one listens to me in the bog, they're too busy croaking, chirruping, buzzing, swimming, flying, devouring and spawning. It's a muddy metropolis.

So a new year usually means resolutions. Mum always resolves to loose weight. I don't see the point. Whatever she does she will still be three times the size of Dad, I think she should resolve to live with it, some things never change.

I'm going to make my resolutions on the things I am going to keep the same.

I, Hieronymus Frog, on this the first day of the two thousand and eleventh year of our Lord, hereby resolve to make no effort whatsoever to change the following things:

• The ratio of time spent between computer games and homework.
• My marks, mediocre is surely better than bad.
• The bulls from the Frogpool team's mindless loathing and haranguing of me.
• My body odour, I live in a bog for frogs sakes and it helps keep the bulls at bay.
• I will continue to fart wherever and whenever I like, If Grandfrog can so can I!
• How much my opinion of the bog matters to Mum and Dad, to them it is the centre of everything and they won't set one web out of it!

If you still feel like accompanying me through 2011 feel free, I need all the help I can get!